Loving Kindness
Keeping our focus on what really matters
This week I’ve been busy helping a friend with urgent medical problems. She’d been managing before but COVID isolation really did a number on her. Poor sweet dear. It has been such a poignant time and one of those experiences which reframes your perception of reality. I’m sure we’ve all experienced these surreal times - I can recall both the day my dad died and the day my mom passed with striking clarity. Thinking about those times now, stirs up echos of those raw profound feelings. As one of my wise friends would say “Extra-ordinary ordinariness”. These powerful experiences force the sayings “Life is short”, “Only love really matters”, and “Take care of yourself" out of their platitude status to shine as the beacons of wisdom they truly are.
The experience of my unwell friend has reminded me how very important our health is and makes me bold enough to share a new practice I’ve recently found which helps me to keep this wisdom in sight. I didn’t find my new practice in a quest for greater wisdom, rather it came to me as a way to address a habit I’d developed of taking offense at certain behaviors from other. Most of us have these triggers, but I was fed up with spending my precious time in these negative, often repeating, whirlpools and decided to try uncover their cause. My family went away for a long weekend, so I took a writing break and thought and wrote and mused about why certain stuff always riled me up. I found that at the root of my repetitive negativity was insecurity. This was rather a surprise for I think of myself as quite self confident, though I’m always ready to lay insecurity at the feet of other’s foibles. But there it was. So my next task was to try to address these insecurities, and I undertook more writing, reading and contemplating. I discovered that underlying the insecurities were feelings of not being seen or loved, undoubtedly stemming from some childhood twists of perception. Aren’t those fun? But the universe then served up a big plate of grace and I stumbled across Loving Kindness Meditations. There are zillions of these online but this is the one I used.
Traditionally, there are four parts to the practice of Loving Kindness Meditations and we are encouraged to engage with each guided meditation for a while before moving onto the next one. The first meditation is to practice loving kindness towards oneself, the second to someone you care about, the third to an acquaintance and the fourth to someone you dislike. I listened to the first one at the end of my mini-retreat weekend and thought “That was nice”. I thought it would go the way other lovely practices I’ve tried over the years - it would be useful for a week or so, then fade and, perhaps, occasionally come back.
But to my surprise and delight, I’ve found it has become a regular companion and has really helped me become unstuck from some old patterns. And here is what that practice is. I say to myself “May I be happy”. That’s it. When something triggers me, if I think “May I be happy” I’m far less likely to go down the well trodden negative paths in my brain. Sometimes I can even break out of a negative storm and I’ve gotten much better on focusing on what’s important. “May I be happy” helps me to disengage with an argument (arguments don’t make me happy), to stop stressing out (that definetly doesn’t make me happy), and to take care of myself, which does make me happy. Perhaps it could be a useful tool for some of readers as well.
I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that this practice has had such an impact. It is a teaching which has lasted relatively unchanged for 2700 years, tracing its origins back to Buddha’s teachings. Upon reflection, I suppose it is time for me to try the second meditation. I wonder where that will lead me? Until next time, may you be happy.